I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! ******** And now it's time for a rebuttal *************** I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
-clapclap encore encore -bigclap lol, i'm glad i'm a dude, even though the two poems were based on sterotypes it was fun heh
ANALYSIS OF WOMEN Element: Woman Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 15kg to 225kg. Occurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with trace elements foundin most other areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES Surface normally covered in powder and paint film. Boils at nothing, freezes for no apparent reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material to common ore. Yields if pressure is applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. Explodes spontaneously, without warning or reason. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water. Greatly increased activity when saturated in alcohol. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS Pure specimens turn bright pink when discovered in the natural state. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen. HAZARDS Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one specimen, although several can bemaintained at different locations provided they DO NOT comeinto direct contact with each other. THE MISSING WOMEN USER MANUAL/DATA SHEET
Probably... but then again, guys are SO unpredictable that there's little point trying to compile a list...
Subject: English for the man & woman WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No. No = Yes. Maybe = No. We need = I want. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like. MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let's have sex now. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay<
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Believe her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the earth and back again for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked, Bring food.
Real facts: Man vs Woman: Stiff Competition: Woman vs. Man In the battle of the sexes, women always seem to have the unfair edge. So, Men's Health magazine sent their spies into the enemy camp and uncovered their darkest secrets. Arm yourselves with knowledge, men! Once more into the breach! Get the full story, information and resources by buying this issue or checking with your local library. Snippets The average guy will live 74.1 years vs. 79.5. The average guy has an HDL cholesterol level of 46 vs. 55. The average guy's heart weights 10.58 ounces vs. 8.81 ounces. The average guy's chance of dying of a heart attack is 1 in 1,342 vs. 1,519. Odds of being in a car accident 1 in 14 vs. 1 in 21 The average guy shaves 24 times a month vs. 11 The average guy spends 179 hours in the bathroom annually vs. 195 The number of men who read while sitting on the toilet 1 in 2 vs. 1 in 3 The average guy over 50 has a 1 in 1,145 chance of dying of colon cancer vs. 1,635. The average guy cries or wells up 14 times a year vs. 64 times. Between 1980 and 1999, the number of men who died on active military duty, 31,196 vs. 1,716. The average guy's chance of dying of prostate cancer is 3.13 percent vs. .001 percent. The average guy can do 36 crunches in 1 minute vs. 27 The average guy can do 27 pushups vs. 14 The average guy can bench-press 93 percent of his body weight vs. 57 percent The average guy has a resting heart rate of 72 vs. 76 The average guy can run a mile and a half in 12:25 versus 15:14. The average guy's largest muscles - his quadriceps vs. uterus The average guy spends 33 hours, 56 minutes watching TV each week vs. 30 hours, 14 minutes. The average guy spends 1 hour, 20 minutes a weeks looking for the TV remove vs. 7 minutes. The average guy can stretch his hands 1 1/2 inches past his toes when doing the sit-and-reach versus 4 inches. The fattest part of the average guy - his belly vs. hips The average guy will gain 1 pound, 4 ounces per year vs. 1 pound, 5 ounces. Percentage of guys who think that men are smatter than women - 27 versus 8. The average guy's brain weights in at 3 pounds, 3 ounces vs. 2 pounds, 13 ounces. Number of issues of Playboy and Penthouse purchased by men in a year - 3.8 million. The number of romance novels purchased by women in a year - 47 million. Bachelor's degrees conferred in 1999-2000 men 530,367 vs. 707,508 Average number of hours a man works per week - 43 vs. 36 Number of men laid off in 2001 - 2,186,000 vs. 1,783,000 Number of jobs a man will have in a lifetime - 10 vs. 9 The average guy's refractory period is 30 minutes vs. 0. Percentage of all marriage proposals made by men 82 vs. percentage of all divorces initiated by women - 70 Percentage of men who are comfortable using sex toys - 23 vs. 16 The average guy takes 14 minutes to reach orgasm. The average woman - we're still waiting.
haha i think it was just aite... didn't relli like some of them. lol heard this before... quite funny
The Perfect Woman Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer... The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep'a scrollin'... So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
