7 ways to recognize a cheater

Discussion in 'Love and Relationships' started by wind2000, Jun 22, 2007.

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wind2000 Self Schemata

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7 signs your honey may cheat

By Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

Most of us — even the not-so-jealous types — know that feeling of, “Is my sweetheart really working late… or could this person be two-timing me?” I’ve counseled many individuals dealing with this concern, so let me share my knowledge with you about the signs that someone is cheating (or seriously contemplating it). Use this information and insight—and either stop worrying or have a serious talk with your partner!

Sign #1: Your sweetie keeps you a secret from his/her family & friends
Cheaters keep you in the dark while they play in the light. Your relationship won’t work if you’re getting what I call the Shadow Treatment. The Shadow Treatment means that you are often kept waiting in the wings while your mate is out socializing. Think about it: Are there gatherings of friends, family reunions or workplace parties that you are not invited to? Do you only meet some of your honey’s network of friends? If you are kept on the sidelines, there’s probably a good reason. Maybe your sweetie is on the prowl for someone else. Or perhaps there is already someone else and so your role in his or her life can’t be made public. Anytime you are kept on the fringes once you believe you are an exclusive couple, be suspicious. And know that the only way to end Shadow Treatment is to stop accepting it. Once you challenge it, you will either be fully accepted in your sweetheart’s life… or know it’s time to leave.

Sign #2: Your sweetie is emotionally absent
Cheaters conceal their emotional whereabouts so they can be evasive about their physical whereabouts. Love is exhausting when you have to pry the truth out of a partner.

Consider this story: After enjoying a platonic friendship for a decade, Margaret and Roy began dating. Roy was a traveling sales manager. While he was on the road, Margaret heard from him only occasionally. But he continued to say he wanted to spend more time with her—which he never did. Margaret was obviously a low priority for him. She was shocked to learn he had another girlfriend across the country.

An emotionally absent partner may say what you want to hear, but will not change his or her actions—unless he or she wants to. Saying the right thing and doing the right thing are very different. If your honey talks a good game about spending more time with you and paying more attention to you but never delivers—look out! This person may be juggling multiple relationships.

Sign #3: Your sweetie says he or she wants a no-strings-attached romance
If someone says, “I don’t want a commitment,” take the sucker at his or her word. Don’t fall into that “I’ll be the one to change all that!” trap. Cheaters rebel against control and might even have an affair to spite a partner who wants to rein him or her in.

Too often, people ignore the clear message a potential date sends. If someone tells you, “I’m not into serious relationships,” “I won’t give up my freedom,” “I’m not ready to settle down,” or anything resembling that, take a giant step back! He or she is clearly telling you, “I want to play the field.” If you pursue the person anyway, hoping for an exclusive relationship, you may find yourself two-timed and broken-hearted. Never push a person into a situation he or she doesn’t want to be in. Never pursue a committed relationship with someone who tells you he or she doesn’t want one.

Sign # 4: Your sweetie admits to cheating on exes—and justifies the betrayals
Cheaters rationalize their behavior to let themselves off the hook. The way they justify their actions tells much about their character.

Listen to the excuses for past cheating your sweetie uses. Here are a couple I’ve heard from clients in my therapy practice over the years:
“My ex was abusive because of a drinking problem, so I deserved to see someone kinder on the side.”
“My father cheated on my mom, so cheating on my girlfriend is how I’m working through my past.”
Everyone has a tale to tell. But are these rationalizations — or any rationalizations — acceptable to you? A person who admits to infidelities in the past and explains them away has a good chance of straying again. He or she has not taken responsibility for past actions, nor worked through the issues involved.

Sign #5: Your sweetie has never been without a mate
Cheaters won’t ride solo... ever! Leaving one romance and hopping into a new one — or having simultaneous affairs at once — doesn’t leave time for assessing whatever went wrong. They don’t bother with introspection; their focus is squarely set on pulling new people into their orbit. If you are dating a person who shares a romantic history that always involves finding a new partner before breaking up with the current partner, take heed. This person may think of his or her mate only as void-fillers. Filling a void is never a basis for lasting love.

Sign #6: Your sweetie tells lies about little things
Cheaters lie about everything, which leads you to question their truth from their fiction. When the need to embroider overshadows the desire to be honest, the relationship becomes a sham.

Craig’s friend set him up on a blind date with divorcée, Alice, who was a top attorney in town with no children. Each time they were together, Alice described her interesting caseload. Craig was fascinated—and falling hard. He was so caught up in her charismatic personality that he chose not to focus on the fact that some of her stories contradicted themselves, and that Alice seemed to change certain details as she got further into her story sharing. One day, the local newspaper featured someone who had been indicted for impersonating an attorney. He was shocked to find that it was Alice, and that she was a wife and mother as well! Alice had lied to both Craig and his friend.

If you are dating someone who seems to be untruthful about mundane topics — where he or she had lunch, what he or she is doing on Sunday morning — take note. The lies probably run deep. As my Gilda-Gram warns, “Without truth, there is no love.”

Sign # 7: Your sweetie brags about his or her sex appeal
Cheaters are insecure, and need to attract constant attention on the side. They flaunt their popularity in attempts to boost their own low self-esteem. Let me give you an example: Marilyn met a “hot guy” on a singles cruise, and the pair became inseparable for the week. When they returned home, they spoke to each other constantly. He sent her a plane ticket to visit him. While together, Hot Guy boasted that he was his town’s “go-to” guy for all the lonely women. Instead of Marilyn reading that as a sign to stay away, she interpreted his description of himself as “cute.”

Visiting her two weeks later, he said he was available throughout the week—except for a lunch date he had with a woman he had just met. Marilyn found that peculiar, but said nothing. After a dinner party, he detailed how many women had come on to him. Marilyn began feeling disrespected and put down. Finally, after crying herself to sleep, she told Hot Guy he was too hot for her.

If a partner boasts how in demand he or she is, recognize how insecure he or she really is—and steer clear. This person probably needs more ego-stroking than any one person can provide... and will look where he or she has to in order to find it.

So now you know the signs that indicate that maybe your sweetie isn’t such a sweetie after all. Life and love are all about learning. Remember this Gilda-Gram: “Everyone who touches you, teaches you.” Instead of getting bummed out about a cheater who stole your heart, think of what you learned, and how your experience got you to grow. Your new insight will arm you to attract someone more trustworthy in the future.

Relationship expert Dr. Gilda (www.DrGilda.com) has a private practice, is a motivational speaker, and is associate professor of business, psychology, and communications at New York’s Mercy College. She is also the founder of the video blog, GildaVision, on her web site. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want by Betting On Yourself and He’s Not All That! How to Attract the Good Guys.

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.as...ER=sessiontimeout&trackingid=516311&GT1=10091
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Thought i might share this with all you peeps.

#1 wind2000, Jun 22, 2007
subaru3169 Well-Known Member

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pretty true

#2 subaru3169, Jun 22, 2007
dhunter Well-Known Member

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hmmm Ok I'm in trouble my girl's a cheater....
thou I already knew about her past...

#3 dhunter, Jun 22, 2007
tomto888 Member

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Isnt sign 4 saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" =( ppl can change, when they meet the right one.

#4 tomto888, Jun 22, 2007
honkiebonkie Well-Known Member

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i guess some of it is true.. but isn't some of it a bit drastic?

Sign #6: Your sweetie tells lies about little things
Cheaters lie about everything, which leads you to question their truth from their fiction. When the need to embroider overshadows the desire to be honest, the relationship becomes a sham.
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...-shrug

#5 honkiebonkie, Jun 22, 2007
SugaCutie0 Well-Known Member

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O, a lot of those points made sense to me.. Sign 4 really stuck out to me; I know a couple people that have cheated and rationalize it, those are the types to stay away from for sure.

#6 SugaCutie0, Jun 22, 2007
tomto888 Member

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i dont necessarily agree with sign 4. If they told you they cheated then at least they being honest right.
And some ppl cheat when they are young and naive, before they even understand what a relationship is meant to be about.

#7 tomto888, Jun 22, 2007
SugaCutie0 Well-Known Member

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^Um, sign 4 is not about cheating and the person being dishonest about it, it's about justifying it. To be honest, there's no reason to cheat, in my opinion, generally, if you are unhappy in a relationship, you break up, period. It's when the person makes excuses for their actions, is the problem, because they are not taking responsibility for their part in the act of cheating.

#8 SugaCutie0, Jun 22, 2007
dabrokeboy Active Member

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lol i dunt think number 1 is true =x

#9 dabrokeboy, Jun 22, 2007
subaru3169 Well-Known Member

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honkiebonkie said: ↑

i guess some of it is true.. but isn't some of it a bit drastic?

...-shrug
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maybe not EVERYTHING.. but stuff like where they went to and what they did that day whatever.. cheaters have a pattern of lying, and once they try to make sense in their mind how to not make the other person find out, they have to lie more to cover up the previous one.. and then again and again and again

#10 subaru3169, Jun 22, 2007
WinterSky Well-Known Member

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basically, value truth and honesty in a person lol... that's basically what all those are saying

#11 WinterSky, Jun 22, 2007
nyckeion ....Boo....

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everything about except for the last one since they sometimes just want to tell you this guy/girl is hitting on me so annoyin just letting them have the feeeling of their partner caring more

#12 nyckeion, Jun 22, 2007
ab289 Well-Known Member

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hhmm ... sign#3 --> might just be afraid of long term commitment

#13 ab289, Jun 22, 2007
Denomic Well-Known Member

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tomto888 said: ↑

Isnt sign 4 saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" =( ppl can change, when they meet the right one.
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People can change, but how often is that change permanent? He was tempted once, he can be tempted again or if not temptation, any distrust could bring him up to cheat just to prove the other right!

subaru3169 said: ↑

maybe not EVERYTHING.. but stuff like where they went to and what they did that day whatever.. cheaters have a pattern of lying, and once they try to make sense in their mind how to not make the other person find out, they have to lie more to cover up the previous one.. and then again and again and again
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This is why honesty is so much easier... you don't need to remember any lies or stories!

ab289 said: ↑

hhmm ... sign#3 --> might just be afraid of long term commitment
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I agree.. if they have a fear of commitment and doesn't want you to get your hopes up too high they could possibly just be up front about it so that they don't end up hurting you in the long run..

#14 Denomic, Jun 22, 2007
Wang Cheng Active Member

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I agree with you wind2000

#15 Wang Cheng, Feb 28, 2009
wysandman Well-Known Member

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I wouldn't rely on that

#16 wysandman, Mar 2, 2009
chili New Member

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i think that guys that can't make up their minds and decides to cheat because they are insecure in their relationship should just be alone. correction... cheating guys should be alone period.

#17 chili, Mar 7, 2009
xsugarx Well-Known Member

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Sign # 3 is like a no brainer. If the person already tells you they want "no strings attached romance" you should just back away and not hope for them to view you or relationships differently. Getting in a relationship with someone like that is like asking to be cheated on.

#18 xsugarx, Mar 7, 2009
JChan85 Member

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lol... man those 7 signs are funny... but again... ppl change and every single person is different... it doesnt neccessarly means that your partners a cheater if they have one or 2 of the following signs

#19 JChan85, Mar 13, 2009
Eloi Member

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Sounds right.

#20 Eloi, Apr 14, 2009

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