Hey All ! I'm a newbie in the forum...-roflyawn I thought there were only general stuff about Asian cultures, especially music & movies... but there's far more indeed. I'm on the theshold between two world: teenage years and adult-hood. In fact it's partly because I have to make a crucial decision about me and my first lover. What do you think about 执子之手与子偕老 (zhi zi zhi shou, yu zi xie lao)? For those who can't read, it literally means 'holding his/her hand and spending your life with this person'. In my case... I'm wondering wether my first lover is the man I should spent the life with. I know that the answer is rooted in my heart. However, I expect you guys to share your experiences so that I add some perspective to my decision making... Here is the story. I met M (my first lover) at high school. I was very shy and not willing to have any relationship at that time. I was thinking that a girl should only meet one boy and be happy ever after (after marriage and so on...). My parents started arguying a lot at home, they didn't trust each other anymore, and it was a big mess for me. Family is my core value, like many Asians I think. M was the one who gave me the affection I needed to compensate what I've lost in my family life. I broke up coz he was too demanding for affection and sex (i couldn't imagine that happening before marriage, at that time...) I had other bfs after but none of them made me forget M. I dumped one of my ex to get back with M. My family life was a big mess again (I lost my father). I thought that I was ready to bond a stronger relationship with M, I thought that he was the One. We slept together. Couple of months later, I broke up again. He was too demanding, jealous, I needed to have my own space. Then M stopped talking to me, coz I found another bf right after him. Now back again, big family mess and M are back in my life. M is always there when he thinks that I may be hurt. He's always there when I need someone, even though he doesn" trust me anymore as a gf. We still attract each other, more than ever. We have deep feelings toward each other... I'm not sure if I should get back with him or not...
take one's hand... grow old with the one... i'm sorry to hear wot u had/have to go through in ur life... to me family comes first... i can't imagine wot i'd b like if i was in ur shoes... anyway... lots of ppl believe marriage will last a life time if there's love to it... the power of love is stronger than anything... n i'm sure most couples also believe in that when they walked into that church n said "i do" n unfortunately they dun all grow old together... u n M love each other correct?? but u guys still breakup... make up... breakup... there r different ways to spend the rest of ur life with someone... as husband n wife... as lovers... as fds... it's ur choice... the way i c marriage is not just finding someone u love... but someone u can live with, put up with n vice versa... lots of girls hope that somehow they guy will change into the perfect hubby... but the truth is wot u c is wot u get (sometimes they change into a worse hubby) we can't always expect others to change for us... so if M stays the same forever can u still put up with his jealousy n distrust?? can u live like this forever without being put on antidepressant?? if the answer is yes then congrats... u mite've found the one
I agree with Dawn, to have a happy marriage it will have to be with someone you can live with... and im telling you living with someone and dating them is on an entirely different level... you guys see each other THAT much more... and eventually the littlest details could become problems.... so you can seldom really know without living with him for awhile first....... Take it slow and see how it goes... and seriously how much sex could he be asking for to be so demanding? lol 5 times a day? -out2
Demanding in sex does not mean 'askin for 5 times a day'... hihi Just at that time, I didn't considere sex as a part of a relationship, but just as a proof of deep feelings for someone. I couldn't feel that when I was in highschool...
you need to ask yourself why the two of you keep breaking up and getting back together. if the two of you love each other that much then you two need to put more effort into the relationship. part of having a successful relationsip is the communication the two of you have. did you try talking to him about his jealousy at the time or did you do what most of us do and that's just hold it all in and then explode! you need to communicate and have compromises in order for things to work. i'm sorry things have been so rough with your family. family should be your core because blood is thicker than water and if you cant count on them who can you count on! i have a friend that i have known since i was 5 yrs old and at one point we dated and then realized that we were just meant to be friends. he's been there for me throughout the years and he always knows when to call me or sms me. so my point is, do you love him like true love or love him like a soul mate (friend). you've come to count on him when things are rough and maybe you're confusing this bond for love you have him on a pedestal right now and that means that every single bf you have you will compare them to him. try to not compare, each bf will give you a different experience and care about you in a different way. i made the mistake of having someone on a pedestal for 10 yrs, comparing is not fair to anyone and it's you that ends up suffering the most. try to find yourself first and figure out what it is that you want in any relatioship and life.
Maybe or maybe not that hes the MAN. You might still be attracted to him because he was the first Bf and that he helped you during those difficult stages in life. In psychology, theres a theory that humans have a sense of reciprocity built into us that when someone did something good for us, we feel obliged to return the favor/ affection/ etc... Examine your own feelings and thoughts then reason to yourself, do you like/ love him only because he WAS always present during your time of misery or do you truly love him for who he is?
Well...in my experience, a lot of asian dudes are inherently jealous and somewhat possessive of their girlfriends. I cant say whether or not you should get back together with him but if you do, just give him some time to learn to trust you and talk to him about letting go a little bit.
Drama is just a transposition of our lives into a particular framework. Trust me, real life is much harder to watch... and you have no other choice but experience it.
have u ever thought about it...getting on and off with him...he might really be the right one for you...i know not many people will have their first love for the one love of their live...but theres a quote that goes like that...if u love someone, let him go...if he comes back, hes yours...if he doesnt, he never was...and i mean its not the first time he comes back...and its everytime when you really need him...maybe theres really more in there than just 1st love... good luck
We are on a break right now... kind of friendship + love in disguise. I think my life is too messy for the moment to make good decisions. 日久见真情... Maybe just need a little bit of time ^^ THX ALL for your sharings et comments !
it seems to me that u are always going back to him everytime there is like a family crisis. is he using u when ur vulnerable is prob a better question to ask urself.
