Today, I spoke out verbally @gainst my uncle whom I know for 20+ years. My family & I have been living in very tough situations, and as you folks know, the gambling thing finds itself into the family. My uncle is a gambler. My uncle plays mahjong, basically neglects his own family and doesn't even live to be a man of the house. My uncle has his own family, but he is related to my Mom. My Kau Fu. My grandma's brother. He called our home, and talked about a lot of nonsense and demanded for my mom and all this. From then on I literally told him off, *i didn't curse*, but told him things and hung up. Something I NEVER do to an elder. In my 20+ years, I have never done this ever, but I spoke out today. I drank a bit, but the circumstances my family was going through, pushed me OVER ! He said, it was a misunderstanding, but I was really pissed. My gambling uncle ruined my mom, my grandma, my family and etc., for many many years. He seeked money, he created legal problems, and my mom, and family were the ones that paid dearly. I am hoping some of you folks can chime in. I spoke with my mom, she said my uncle was like that, yet I was stern and SHARP. When I talked to my mom, and the deeper it went, I realized EVEN MORE, the YEARS, the DECADES she had endured. I even felt a bit of a remorse for what I had said to my Uncle, but I stood firm. And I feel I don't regret. I told him how he would always ruin things for my family, for us, for my mom, for everything. Everytime something good came up, with a family dinner, a family vacation, he would RUIN it. ... Thanks for reading. I'm venting, something held inside for 20+ years, I don't know who else can relate.
you can only hold so much in but its not easy confronting family after all those years so you did what you had to do and hopefully he'll change. You just gota let him know how much he's effecting the family with his addiction. he only play mj and goes in debt? does he like gamble $100 for a point? cause the only gambling addictions i know are casino...; never thought people will get addicted to mj and owe their life savings. Well my grandma plays gambles on mj like 3 times a week or more but shes happy about it. i am pretty sure "kau fu" is your mom's brother...grandmas brother would be "kau gong" i believe?
Thanks. Grandma's Brother Mom's Uncle My Kau Fu It's just that we help him out consistantly, and all that. From tickets, to debt, to just stupid bills. I know it's tough, and it's easier said than done. It's very difficult to be caught in the middle. Yet, I dont' think anyone or even himself would expect me to say such things. Which is why, he kept trying to pass it off as a misunderstanding. Because all these years, and I mean YEARS, I was humble, quiet and I held in the shit that went on. I did things for him out of the respect for my grandma (her brother). I would do things out of my way, and etc. I grew up like this. I couldnt' do anything, I couldn't make money, couldn't do this, do that. But now I have just started to earn some money. Everytime he shitted, talked vulgar vulgar languages, I was quiet. I acted dumb, I acted like I didn't know. I even succumbed to his wishes of helping him fix his car, of doing errands for him, but I held this in for YEARS, and I mean YEARS !!! But TONIGHT, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I threw a bluff, threw my heart out, and just shitted on him on the phone. He should be glad, I was not drunk and threw a face to face. I threatened to myself I would get physical this time, because he has pushed me far enough, my family far enough, but most of all, my mom and grandma. I was a bit drunk, not really, but I guess it pushed me over to speak things I would've never speak out about. My uncle literally created threats when we were on vacation, on family trips, on dinner, on this and that. Yet, my mom always told me to be forgiving. TONIGHT, it wasn't the same. I know it's not dramatic to others, but to me it is. It's very life changing. His years of disrespect in his actions, tone, and language will come to an end. Thank you for helping, at least replying. It means a lot, and I mean a lot. With the economy, job losses, and family strife, I really dunno about my own self.
No, Grandmother's brother is 'Kau gong', like kdotc said, not 'Kau fu' I know it's difficult to try to confront your Kau gong when he's been doing this to your family for so many years. And it's even more difficult to try to get the message through to him, especially when your mother is so forgiving of him. Maybe you should try talking to your other relatives, and if it's a problem with them as well, gather a few relatives and sit down to have a talk. If not... well then it'll be difficult to move forward if no one is willing to step up and talk about his gambling problem. Bye the way, this should be in the rant section.
People can move this to the rant. I guess it's Kau Gong. I am not really sure. We call him Kau Fu. It's not just the gambling problem. There's a lot more to it. I guess it ultimately ties down to his character, his doings, and the fact that we are stuck in a family business and have to give/take. Obviously he has nothing lose, and my mom, my family, and siblings are taking it more ! I didn't confront him about his gambling. I confronted him about his repeated antics that he throws everytime my mom steps away from the business, everytime we have some family things. Can you believe it, he would call ME, US to take his daughter to places, even if it meant out of our ways, and in his convenience? Because he had to go gamble. It's really tough. I feel sorry for his daughter, that's why we are more sympathetic, yet this 'uncle' has no heart. I kind of don't regret it, but I have no support from friends; because I can't talk to them anymore. That's how corrupted my life has been, for not 1 year, but over 20+ years and etc.
it should of been your parents or someone older to confront him...IMO. tough situation hope he changes his ways.
Your MOTHER'S uncle. SHE would call him KAU-FU (which means mother's brother). YOU would call him Grand Uncle, or KAU-GUNG (which means mother's uncle). If you call him KAU-FU, then you are saying that he is your mother's brother, which won't make any sense, as he CANNOT be both your mother's brother AND your mother's uncle AT THE SAME TIME. But frankly if he were MY relative, I would not refer to him as either KAU-FU or KAU-GUNG. Theres a perfect English word for him; it's called SCUMBAG. If I were in your place, I would immediately start listing all the things that he owes my family, and bug the shit out of him. Call him at his job, in his office, show up and embarrass him in front of his colleagues, coworkers, bosses or subordinates; call him in the middle of the night, hound his children, hound him until he knows no peace and either gives money back or... ...EVEN IF IT MEANT DEATH, HE WOULD NEVER EVER BOTHER MY FAMILY AGAIN. Just because your MOTHER is a pushover, doesn't mean that you shouldn't defend her against parasites like him. I'll teach you a little trick. Next time you talk to him, call him by his first name; that is, absolutely NO respect. Not sir, not mister, not granduncle, not uncle. Just start with, "Yo, Johnny (or whatever)... where's my mom's money?" It's an old police interrogation psychology technique, that no matter how high in station someone is in their life (by profession, relationship, education, etc); your addressing of them by their first name tells them immediately that YOU consider YOURSELF to their EQUAL, and further, that you're certainly not afraid of them. Good luck.
Thanks guys. We are tied by many relations, many family business, and may oddities. It's easier said than done, otherwise, it would not have lasted for well over 20+ years. I don't know how to say it, but acting irrational, blowing things up, would not solve anything !! I've realized this. My mom is a pushover. Why? Because she couldn't make enough like people really think it to be. Because life is not about finding another option @ will. Simply put, it's not as easy, real, or simple as you folks might put it to be. SURE, my mom could've abandoned everything, and fessed up, but how would it feel for my mom to violate her mom's brother? It's really not easy guys; which is why I'm sharing. I do like the quick brash suggestions, but I have questioned myself long enough, for 20+ years !! before I took this step. I DID NOT REALIZE I would confront him, until tonight. Really, in the past, the way my uncle has been, is just crazy. It's not just the debt problem, but his character. His lack of respect to his sister's daughter and even to his sisters's daughter's son (like me). I am pissed, my mom, my family, my grandma and etc. faced so much sacrificies. I guess he caught me buzzed a bit, and got me on the wrong side ! But this is a first, where I felt angry enough !! I am going through a lot, another uncle is in surgery and all that, but I said what I said, and I am not regretting it. All I know is that the future holds tough face to face. I wish I had a girl to handle things for me, like I'd imagine she would, but I have to face this a lone. My mom broke down and cried tonight. I don't know about others, and I know this is the internet and all that, but I really have no one to talk to. My friends betrayed me, they left me, they didnt' realize the things I've been going through for 20+ years. I'm just saying. I really appreciate those that replied.
To make it clearer, we have a family restaurant. My mom made NO REPORTED INCOME for nearly 20+ years. We struggled, my dad would actually be the sole provider. It was TOUGH. The restaurant grew, and it became the ONLY OPTION. My mum wasn't gonna go to school, get a degree, make a worthwhile living like most thing. My mom, my dad all struggled. We got intertwined, and thing turned sour and bad in the restaurant business. What I hate is the lack of genuine friends. I had friends whom I went to class with and all that, but in this fuking times, I had no one !.. NO ONE ! It seems like their lives were too perfect... Sorry for the rant, vent, attempted bid for help, pity, and support. But I appreciate it.
That's difficult especially if he has never lashed out at all. Even if his Kau gong has caused the family a lot of grief, calling him by his first name, especially when Espresso is much younger... that's unheard of in a traditional asian family. It could even cause backlash from his mother. That's my opinion. If this is what Espresso wants to do to get his Kau Gong's attention, well then go for it. Good luck.
You're right of course, in that this would set up a confrontation. But you see, the balance of power has always rested with the abuser. By calling him by his first name, you're already putting him on notice that you're no longer afraid of him. That is, a sea change in the political landscape.
It's good to let out some of that frustration, I guess he should be pretty old, so at his age, trying to change him would be difficult. All these years, I'm sure he has gotten what he wanted and expect that to go on. No one ever said "NO" to him so you have to be the first person to tell him that. If he acts out, you tell him what he's doing wrong. What ever respect he had is long gone and if he wants it back, he needs to earn it. You also need to chat with your mother and grandma to stay firm. Giving what he wants will not help, life is tough enough, you don't need crap from him to make it worst.
It's not something that can be settled down within a short amount of time. It's not easy to understand unless one has been through the same/similar situation. My friend always nag about how her mom has destroyed her life in many ways, but she still needs to stay by her side because that's her mother, in this case i found it similar to your family issue. You couldn't talk to anyone about it, because most of them wouldn't understand so they would just thought you're always nagging, therefore leaving you behind. At least now you've open it up here, holding back for such a long time isn't healthy, ok i must admit after reading everything you wrote this feels like a family drama, a real one, too. I don't think suggestions from us will help you that much, since you know the whole situation for 20+ years, you know better than us how the whole thing should be handle. Of course, we would say don't help him pay anything from now on, let him live in his own shitty life, or seek help from some gamble organization, etc. But can you really do it? I highly doubt it. After all, it's a family thing that has been going on for a long time. Those are the suggestions, but it's hard to enact. But seriously, still, you gotta do it. Don't think that well, he's getting old, let's help him for the last time. Last time, last time, family, family, ENDLESS, countless excuse. 3 年又3年, it will never end. Unless you do something about it. Gotta stand up, that's how a traditional Chinese family is, always carrying a responsibility, but sometimes we have to be a little bit selfish. Your uncle is selfish enough, you guys have endured it for this long, you need a normal life. Your uncle ruined his own life, why are you guys keep letting him ruin yours? Helping him financially for 20+ years is enough. it's not easy definitely. As a new generation, stand up for you, & your family's own good. "We must never shed tears, that is the life form's defeat." -- the quote isn't really true cuz' it's from Bleach (w00t shinigami fighting T___T) But applying it in your case, sigh*, gotta be harsh & sturdy, time for a change, YES IT'S NOT EASY (i can read your mind), what Ronald Cheng said, "越困難嘅野就越要征服佢。“ Simply, conqure your fear. Another quote from BF3, "Out of difficulties grow miracle".
Thanks for the talk. It's not like we are paying for his debts, but his antics just ruins things and his repeated style of vulgar language just removes all respect for himself. ------- What pushed me over was because my other uncle was in the hospital for surgery and that my mom was there to help him. The surgery was postponed a few times (nearly 2 days); there were hardly nurses, or staff to help, so my mom stayed with him. My gambling uncle proceeded to call me, making excuses to get me down to help, and to say things to get my mom to go help too - given the circumstances that she was at the hospital - saying my mom being there @ the hospital wouldn't do any good and etc. From then on I just snapped and hung up. Something I have never done ever, because I always gave respect to the elders. It's good to get this out, I can't even talk about this w/ some of my friends because they don't understand the Asian families. Anyhow, thanks for those that read and chimed in. xoxo
lol, well my uncle asked my aunt for a life to a distant friend in another city, he said he had to get his kit. aunt thought he meant football kit. kit is slang for drugs... he got in BIG trouble when the fam found out. i think all families have at least one of those kind of troublesome guys/gals, so your not alone.
Sorry to hear that .. honestly, I think it will be hard for things to stop even if you have confronted your grand uncle. Why? Your grandma and mom will be placed in the middle sorta speak and can't turn away from family, right?? For good or bad, you gotta deal with it .. perhaps get him help by contacting some social services or whatever if it's gambling addiction.
Agree with this guy's statement. Does your uncle go to like those MJ gambling places..like theones you see in Hk in movies. There are lots of different types of MJ. I heard Taiwan MJ can add up to some crazy amount. I heard they got a crazy point system.
Although it's hard for you and your family to deal with this "misunderstanding" it can probably work in your favor. This situation will hopefully give your kau-gong a "wake-up" call and he will learn to head it. He shouldn't burden you and your family with his problems because he wants to gamble. Just ensure your cousins know that it isn't them, but their father that is causing this riff. Maybe it's time for an intervention?
