My older sister suddenly came home last night and told us that she's getting married the end of this year. I was like WTF .. I have never seen the guy. My parents who barely met the guy once when they were on vacation a whilst back. Apparently, they have been dating (LDR) for the last 2-3 years. I disapproved the wedding. Why? This guy is obviously not serious about the relationship in the beginning and his parents had obviously failed to teach him the basic manner. He was never properly introduce to anyone in the family. My sister never brought him home or said anything. Everything was and is so secretive. My sister said, I am the younger one so she doesn't need my permission and crap. As the only son, I told her, I will not allow any praying to the ancestor and will not attend her wedding either. She will not get my blessing but my curse of two for generations to come .. okay a bit over there but I was angry and much more disappointed that my sister would pick a loser like this dude. I don't care about his background but basis ettique such as introducing to the family and shit .. needless to say . .this guy is a bum regardless of how you look at it. I only see divorce ahead of them, not happily forever after .. If you're in a serious relationship together, then both families should at least know about it. You simply don't drop the bomb like that. Sigh ..
boy, welcome to the 21st century. what's with the "As the only son, I told her, I will not allow any praying to the ancestor and will not attend her wedding either."?? As long as she's happy, what makes you the wiser? and the whole "the only son" in the family doesn't give you any right, unless you are in freaking rural China in the 1850s. You may have her best interest in heart, but, as far the ground for disapproving them because you have never met him just doesn't make sense. She may not have the best choices in men; but, she probably have her reasons for wanting to marry him. Maybe you just need to let her live her own life and not meddle with her life "as the only son"
Not Chinese and yes, paying respect to the ancestor is a BIG thing in my traditional family, you're not part of the family until you're properly recognized and noted in the book, a rural practice carried on by my 99 years old great uncle.
I know you are one of those very conservative and tradition asian man negi but like abs said it is the 21st century where cultures are blended into one another for people. Just like mine, I hold both the British culture and the Chinese culture but not fully for both, I have my own mind set of things from the teachings that I have had from both culture. What you have to realise that nearly all Asian families teaches respects and manners but in the Western families they rarely use discipline so lack of respect and manners will occur. Shockingly, my BF has adapted the Chinese culture too with respect and manners since living with me nad my parents, my dad has influenced him a lot, but that maybe because he never really had a proper father figure and my dad seemed to filled that spot for like 2 years. So there's always hope if your soon-to-be brother-in-law is willing to bond with the family. You're approval may not matter to your sister as she could be thinking that it's her life and not your's. Also she could be thinking that the relationship is between two people and not between families. Maybe she haven't told you and your family is because she knew of this disapproval and she may not want the pressure of bringing the fiance home and doing the family thing etc. I'm only speaking from what could be her point of view to maybe try and understand that point? Maybe this thinking may not justify for what my dad's cousin's wife (Biw Sow) does tho. She never wants to meet the family even after she has been married. My dad and sister seen the back of her and part of her face, and she deliberately turned her face away from my dad so that he couldn't see her with my uncle. Although there has been rumours that she has some mental problems like depression and all that but then I wouldn't know because I don't think I'll ever meet her anyway, so I won't bother gossiping about someone who I don't know and the fact that I respect my dad's cousin as he's one of the only relative from my dad's family who I like and respect and get along with. On the other hand if my sister decided to do what she did to you I would just approve of it so long as she is happy. Also the fact that I get to talk to the guy once at least to suss him out but apart from that I would just bid them happiness and the fact I still get to see my sister and what not.
Don't get me wrong here .. my sis and I will retain our relation. I just don't recognize her marriage. Perhaps time changed, but certain things don't and this obviously different from family to family. She can do whatever she wants because I can't stop her. However, I will not give my blessing for something I absolutely disapproved of and nothing will change me once decision is made. Like I said, I will not attend her wedding. We all have to own up to our own decisions and nothing's perfect. Again, I am not disapprove of their relationship but it's just wrong to jump to marriage without properly introducing to the family. Marriage is not between two people (if that's what they think, that's naive and pathetic) but between two families.
What about the scenario of not being close to the family? I'm not saying that your sister isn't close to your family but what about him and his family? He may not be close to his family and rather not have anything to do with them. Not being close to family may have led to how he is and not wanting to meeting your family in the first place. I understand your disapproval but at the end of the day your disapproval may change [if two familes have ended up knowing one another well after the marriage? Just like some people gets married without knowing one another and without love then eventually grown on the love relationship after the years that they have been married. Maybe it will work the same for in-law families..
She didn't totally drop the bomb on you... her wedding is a year away So you could use this year of time to blow it for her =)
You are not right. Plan and simple, you want things your way? Live your own life the way you want to, do not think for a second you have any authority over another person's choices. Even Family, you can be the VOICE of reason, a guide, not a force. Only son? you think you are some prince to the family name? I'm sorry but this isn't China where they take female babies and toss them in the river, your sister can marry whoever she feels is worthy of her. If they have been dating for 2-3 years, especially for the simple fact I am almost certainly positive she is over 25 if not older. She has things she wishes for, a family? maybe? Women are aware of their biological clocks, and the health hazards of having children in their mid 30's. You can say you won't acknowledge the man and marriage but what good does that do you? your sister? upcoming family gatherings, such as new years? There is still time for you to meet him, it's not like she informed you she married him already. Furthermore, you are choosing to live by your traditions, she chose not to. Are you going to force your way of life on her? If you think you can than please retract the title of this thread even further. If she was younger, than you would probably have more of a case to argue. and for you to judge a person you haven't met.... definitely wrong on all counts. You can not even come close to saying you are anywhere near being right. Judge the person without a bias attitude after you have met him, not only once, but on a multiple number of occasions. If after all that you find that he isn't financial providing, than you can call him a financial loser and pretty much that is all. Marriage is definitely about the two individuals getting married..... unless of course you have an arranged marriage or marrying to keep the circle of money. Family members of the two sides rarely get together and go on vacation. Let alone call each other to play catch up, I have yet to see any of my married relatives call up their husband's/wife's sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle and play catch up. The only people involved are the parents. The only family gatherings I see are around new years... and hell it's not a giant group thing. Therefore I think it's ignorant, arrogant an insolent for a person to think others should choose their soul mate based on what other family member(s) think is best.
If you read my posts at all, I don't dictate how she should live her life. She can do whatever she wants as far as I see it; but getting blessing from me or my family .. nada. I am NOT Chinese so don't even compare me to those traditions. I am only speaking what I have been taught passing down from my family. There is absolute no problem if the guy is introduce to the family formally and properly. NONE. That's a basic manner. Perhaps in your family, marriage is between to people. My family is different. We are a close-knit family and yes, we do hang w/ the in-laws occasionally. She may be older but she's very gullible. She was always taken advantage of by distance relatives and friends. So yeah, my family and I are only looking out for her best interest. However, she has to ultimately make the decision. We're still family, we just don't acknowledge the guy's existence. As a parent myself, I expect my daughter to bring the guy back and introduce to me and my wife formally and give us heads up that this serious. Certainly, I don't expect my daughter coming home and telling me she's getting married with some dude I never met or have a clue. Perhaps to you or your generation, to me, it's not. Until you become a parent yourself, you will know what I mean. I used to think the same and such but no, this is basic manner. Regardless, the guy should have taken initiative to come to my home and formally introduce himself from the very beginning. Obviously, he doesn't seem to be serious. I am right and the only reason I am venting it on here is b/c I am freaking angry w/ the whole thing. I will place an order on the guy's background w/ a PI later this week. As for judging the dude, there's no need to get to know him. Based on the simple manner alone, we can't tell his parents are dead or big failure and his schooling failed him too.. ya'll Chinese has a phrase for that .. chow ngan chua chow chou .. something like that. Yes, I am big on this type of stuff and so are my parents and siblings.
i remember reading your thread about hiring a private detective on your sisters bf... and judging by your conservative posts i would probably want to be as far as you as possible =p i'm not surprised you would make a thread or think like this. But hey i don't know you or anyone online well so who's to say, everyone has their own views but very open minded.
can you imagine if his wife called detectives on him.... they day he kissed that girl at work!!! or one who tracked him to this site and saw some of the stuff he posted
but the difference is she is your older sister and NOT your daughter am i right? according to the basic norms of respect to elders i would say you should respect her decision. Relating to something in entertainment you are starting to sound like the greedy family in heart of greed. This would only probably cause a bad ending and for what reason....really nothing you should be able to have a say in cause its almost none of your business. Also she's been with this guy for a while and its not just like they have been out for months and decided to get married. Another thing is maybe she wanted to keep the relationship away from you guys because she wanted privacy and not for you to hire a P.I. on her and she probably predicted a similar reaction where you guys are overprotective. A marriage nowadays is really only between two people and the only part that family has to take part in is support. Maybe the guy is really bad but there's one year or so to find out, this overreaction is just un-healthy for everyone involved. Simply put....calm the fuck down man.
Neg, I get the sense that you're disavowing your sister simply because of what you perceive to be her lack of etiquette? Forgive me, but that's rather extreme. I'm suddenly reminded of the culture clash that is often evident when old world familial honor encounters modern day western liberalism. One has to make a choice as to what is more important, and the only one that can answer that is you. IMHO, the bottom line (for me, at least) is that my love for my sister would transcend any need for honor (or customs, etiquette, religion, whatever).
^agreed with ralph, broaden ur view on life mate, and u should stop calling the guy a loser when u said u never met him before...
idk guys, I mean what if he really is a douche bag... Would anyone of you guys honestly want your sister to get marry without haven't seen the guy once let alone your family??? Yes, it's her life and she can do whatever, but you basically allowing her to fall into a pit. and Yes, marriage is a two people thing, but if you know it's going to be an unhappy marriage and you know you could prevent it in the 1st place, would you not? What "negiqboyz" did might be over the edge, but I don't think it's wrong either. Right now, no one knows how this guys is like, but if a family haven't seen this guy after 2-3 years of relationship, I think that's a little bit awkward.. Don't you think?
Perhaps I should provide all the details as to why I reacted the way that I did. My older sis is SMART (academically) but she's very naive, gullible, and stubborn. To the family, she has been unreliable and irresponsible. Gee .. how should I begin .. Work - after college grad, she worked at an organization for over 10 years without any progress and was laid off due to shortage of funding. She couldn't have landed her current position if I didn't help her through my connections. Home - she lives w/ my parents now (they're in their 80s) but she never helped out w/ the house chores. Believe it or not, she doesn't even know how to use the laundry machines. She doesn't cook and has not once cleaned the bathroom. Either myself or my wife will have to go over there and clean the house. My mom has to do her laundry and wash her dishes for her. She doesn't pay rent or any expenses in the house. She's always out with her friends and let things pile up so yeah, gotta help her wash the clothes or whatever. When you tell her, she will say, I never asked you to do this or that. My parents just can't stand having things pile up in the house. Personal - She donates almost 25% of her paycheck to the temple every month. Her last boyfriend (who I told was gay) did turn out to a bi dude. She was used by my relative to fake INS docs (being a sponsor) for my cousin. Luckily, my mom told me in the nick of time so I threatened to call the INS, which I did anyway after I got the doc back so that cousin is still on a working visa. Her current bf, according to my younger sis, they met once at a company function and has been corresponding through email, text message, and MSN for the last 2-3 years. She flew out once a while to see him, never the other way around. My point is that she might be older but she can be easily manipulated to do whatever. She created messes and I always ended up cleaning them for her, which she doesn't know that. She's hardheaded and doesn't admit that she's wrong. Bottom line is that I am only have the best interest of my sis at heart. To outsiders, I am like a traditional and controlling freak or whatever but to me, marriage isn't a game thing. I personally don't believe in divorce. I want to make sure my sis is fine on her own. I have never utter a words about her or what she's done and doing, just this time. No, I don't place PI order on everyone, only people I feel is necessary to get all the facts straightened out. And yes, my sis will make the ultimate decision. She's a grown woman after all. If she thinks her marriage is happy without the family blessing, then it's fine. We don't expect anything from her, just that we need to get to know the guy so we know she's will be fine or whatever. A meeting is not enough .. you need to observe over a period of time. That's the reason why I personally disapprove of the marriage thing. I don't think what I expect as part of the family, the basic manner as too much. When I started dating my wife, I introduced her to the family and met her family too out in Chicago. We were under observation for awhile by both families. I know everyone in her household and more. People and time might change but certain household traditions and practices don't change cuz of it. I am not pointing to outrageous thing of course. Lastly, I don't give her an ultimatum or whatever cuz that's silly and childish. She's family and will always be. I just simply told her how I feel about it and that I won't allow praying to the ancestors nor attend her wedding. She can take it however she wants and do whatever.
It's hard to put ourselves into another man's shoes without knowing all of the particulars and even then, we're sure to come up short as in the final analysis, we're not him. That said, I do agree that there are red flags in the way that he described her relationship with this man. That is the way that he sees the situation, and the way that he reports it is certainly colored by his opinion. Her views, had they been presented here as well, may differ by a wide margin. But the ultimate arbiter to this whole affair is how his sister feels for this man. There are plenty of men or women in this world who knowingly marry down and quite literally don't care what others think. Well intentioned family members may then act to derail such "improper" relationships with the expressed purpose of "saving the victim" from their own bad choice. But in reality, they're acting to secure an outcome that they themselves feel more comfortable with; that is, one more appropriate in their own view. In this regard, they are taking away the freedom of choice from their own loved one. Suppose they turn around and do their best to sabotage our job because they feel it isn't right for us or that we should find something better? Or what if they tell us to leave our own spouses? The moral here is, everyone has the right to make their own choice, even if they're seemingly bad on the surface. Out of love, we speak our peace and raise the points that we wish. However, once that has been done, the choice remains their own. I would leave them to it. Neg, I understand all that you have written, and yes, sometimes it does pain us to see something so obvious being ignored. However, unless she falls and learns from her mistakes, she is never going to advance. It is extremely difficult to watch as those we love endure a pain of their own making. But it is out of love that we must also allow them to learn from their experience. My suggestion is, be there if she needs you to be, but you cannot live her life for her.
tbh rather than airing your personal business for our entertainment you really need to speak to your family and after that, what happens will happen.
