Hey everyone. First and foremost, let me go ahead and apologize if I'm breaking any rules on this forum because this is my second account; not sure if I am suppose to have multiple accounts. Second, I am a member of this forum under a different alias, but felt compelled to create another account to share my story and ask for your thoughts. Third, if you know who I am, I ask you please to allow me to remain anonymous, as some members may know me in person. I'm asking all of you, married and single to see what I have to say and offer me your wisdom. Do you ever have that 'what if' of your life? Do you have that best friend who probably could have been your soul mate? Let me roll this back some years. The moment I met her, I fell in love. We will call her '@' I was young in my early teens. Not even really sure what love means back then. She was already with someone else, but I wanted to make friends. I did ask her out when the friendship was young, but was quickly rejected. Afraid of rejection. But I still wanted to be her friend. That was the easy part since her brother was my best friend. Over time she also become my best friend. She was my sister, I was her brother. I could never ask her out again, I was too afraid. With a lack of self confidence, I always felt like she could do much better. Because her brother was my best friend, I was like a god son to their mother. Over time, she starts to address me as her brother. Her first boyfriend, her second boyfriend. I was always there for her. Over the phone, through walks in the mall, we connected, we bonded we got to know each other very well. We laugh together, we understand each other and we share the same opinions over everything. We were brothers and sisters. While she was in between boyfriends in my later teens, there has been times where I wanted to just express everything that I felt. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I don't know why. There has been times where I felt we were something more then friends, but I can't put the pieces of the puzzle together and I still can't today. There was a day where we would walk the mall holding hands. Then there are days where she talks about boys she liked. There were days where I would leave after walking her home, turn around, just to see her looking at me through screened doors at a distance. Then there are weeks where we don't talk. I get a kiss on the cheek for driving her to work when I first got my license, but then we will never mention it again. Some days we flirt, other days we're siblings at her family events. There is a time where we discussed the possibility of us getting married; was it real talk? or just small talk? Some days, she addresses me as her brother, other days just by my name. There are times where she only visits me once or twice when I am immobile for months. It's hot and it's certainly cold. All I know is she makes my heart stop, flutter and jump out all at the same time. Yet it felt like we couldn't be together. I have dreams about her and I have nightmares about her. Does she even know how I feel? Over several years, this drove me insane. I didn't understand the signals she was sending me, if they were even signals at all. Then one day, I just decided I couldn't live my life like this. She was in a relationship, and one after another she seems to be in a increasingly serious relationship. I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped talking to her. I stopped all communication with her. And I avoided her. I was persistent but wiping her away from my life was what I've decided on. In a couple months, she messaged me and asked if we are still friends. I said I don't know. And that was that. After half a year goes by, I started hanging out with some new people. I some how bumped into a small crush of mine when I was in my pre-teens. We will call her "&". We connected right away and we flirted. She was bold and knows what she wants. In a matter of time we became great friends and shared everything. We talked, we laughed, we hang out and we learn from each other. We started going out and the relationship became serious. We went through our college career together. She moved in with me and my family. My parents love her and she is amazing. Her family is also friendly with me and knows she stays with me. We even talk about moving out and getting a place of our own in the new few years. We talk about marriage and talk about kids. I can picture spending the rest of my life with her. She knows all about my past (even "@") and I know all about hers. My flaws, her flaws, we accept each other and better each other through out interactions. Life is great. Though we may share some indifferences every now and than, that's just how most relationships go. We were a strong couple, and there are many instances that almost broke us apart, but yet we remain together. Eventually over time, I reconnected with "@." I bumped into her a couple times through out the years and we say hi here and there. She has a boyfriend, and I have a girlfriend. We never hang out by ourselves together any more, but it still seems like we can connect very easily. We started hanging out anyways, but always in a big group of friends and not very frequently. For some reasons though, whenever I get into arguments with my girlfriend, and when she finds out about it, she is always there. Asking me if everything is ok. Whenever she gets into big fights, I was also there for her. But nothing more then that. She is in a serious relationship and I am in mine. Now as my relationship is getting serious, I can't help but wonder "What if" What if she knew how I felt about her? What if she was just waiting for me? What if she's still waiting for me? I question myself as well. Do I still have feelings for her? Why does my heart fluster? Is "&" really the one for me? Then there are things I don't know if I should do or not. Should I ask "@" how she felt about me? Should I ask her what's been on her mind for all these years? We are adults now, no reason why we can't share what we share. I can't bring myself to do anything irrational. I can't bring myself to destroy the relationship she's built with her boyfriend nor can I sacrifice mine. I love what I have now and I want to cherish it. But I can't help but wonder what it would have been. I don't even really know myself. Some days if you ask me, will I sacrifice everything I have to be with "@" I will say yes. Some days, I will say no. What if she was single? Would I end what I have now just to take the chance to be with her? No today. Yes tomorrow. And no after that. I don't know. What am I suppose to do? Are human beings supposed to be tortured like this? Why am I thinking about this? Why am I reminded of the past every time I see her face? I loved/hated my past. I love my present. But what's in my future? What am I suppose to do? What if?
Don't be those who summarize their life with 'could have, should have and would have'. It's a sad summary. I highly suggest you lay out your 'past' thoughts with @. ^ ^ good luck
look on into the future..!... be happy with whut you have nows...i think... mebe talk about this with "&" seeing as ya said shes knows all your past and everything...then ya got nuttin to hide right..?..
I'd give you this advise I hope you can take it seriously for what it is. "We men built Empires, great structures, started wars, conquered lands, developed technological advances, we've even taken to the highest mountains and the deepest points of the Earth. Hell we even taken to the moon. If great men of the past did all this, you should be able to make something of your life the way you wanted to." You only torture yourself because you make it that way. Sometimes you have to let one thing slip by for greatest to come by, no matter how good the first thing seemed. Take control of your life, your emotions, and you won't need to be posting these things on forums, and you won't be asking questions. Man up dude! You can do it.
You appreciate what you have yet still look upon what you could have. Don't be greedy or selfish and step over the line cause you might end up with nothing in the end. The past is the past and needs to be accepted as the past. You need to learn how to let go of your thoughts. I highly recommend talking to both parties about this. Talk to & first then inform her that you'll talk to @ after. Communication is the key to healthy relationships, so refrain yourself from hiding yourself and your thought. The longer you wait the longer the pain will be as the relationship goes on. All the best to you! I hope everything works out for the best. Good Luck!
Honestly, I think what you have described about "&" is great and definitely worth going forward with. You don't who or what "@" is. By that I mean you have never fully gone out with her it seems as Boyfriend/Girlfriend, it may seem like you two are constantly living the first 3 months of any relationship, everything seems perfect and nothing can go wrong. Everyone has these What If moments, I have them myself, but I try, and have been successful so far, not to let my imaginations and day dreams get the better of me. Stick with "&" and live your life happy, you will never be satisfied because we are human and we always want something different when we have had too much of the same thing. /Pondering....Dating your best friends sister.... sounds like a lot of pressure, what about a cousin? ahaha
abit of phycology, when you meet with people of your past you natually behave like you do in the past like when you meet a high school friend after a long time, you might find yourself actign more childish or speaking in a different manner. This could also be the case here when u meet your X, he behave, feel and think not in present time fame but of your past there is no 'what if' easier said then done but live for today not for your past people with kill for love, will die for love will make many scarifices for love if you want something so bad then you'll stop thinking about it and go out and get it p.s if you havent done that already i guess you dont really want her that much
let the past be the past. you're in a great situation right now and the future certainly looks bright.
Hi everyone. I'm trying to take all of your combined advice. It seems you all agree in unison that I should continue with what I have and move towards my future. I will try, I really will. But sometimes it just keeps creeping back. I can't help it. Sometimes it's so bad that I'm starting to doubt my current relationship. But you guys are right. I should stop dwelling in the past. I should take control of my emotions.
Exactly. If you don't, you'll be digging a bigger hole for yourself and be left with nothing in the end. Your future, your call.
pals, i have been through this and my way of handling my part is, i am single and waited him for 8 years. We were in a relationship before hand, he is my first and i am his. Then, i told him later after 7 years that all this years i have been waiting. I don't get a good respond and in fact, he decided we are no longer friends until i moved on. It hurts damn lot, but i moved on and i met a new one, my current boyfriend. I am glad for what i have now, it doesn't feel exactly the same like i used to have with my ex, but with this man, i can see my future. Sometimes, i too doubted, but I started to learn to appreciate what i have now...sometimes, what you want might not be the best for you. Or maybe what suits best for you are already in front of you. There must be reason why you met the one you are with now, instead of the previous one. Stop thinking of 'what if'. I always have that in my mind for years long, if you really want to know, just ask directly, get the answer no matter it is good or bad, and then, you move on with your life.
I try and try and try. I listened to all of your advice, and am trying hard. But I can't stop thinking about her. I still have dreams about her, and I can't control that. I feel like I can't move on without talking to her about it. It's haunting me...
You kept thinking and dreaming about her because you wanted to know the answer from her. Be a man and talk to her mutually to find out what happened between you two in the past so that it will kill your curiousity and subconscience mind. Hopefully her answer will close the loop between you and her, and give you peace. After finding out the answer, move on to what you have. Let go of your past. If you and @ were an item, then the relationship would have been established already instead of her dating other guys (but not you). It is obviously you think too much.
Well, my advice is past is past. But reading what u have said, i agree with Brown bear, talk to "&" about it and then talk to @. I think @ and you are still like brother and sister, cos each time u are in need of help, the one closest to you will help u first. So I would say, she is still your sister, and & is ur gf. GOod luck..we dont know everything..got to trust ur heart to do the right thing.
Closure I think you just need to know the truth from her. Like the previous people who said this, this'll put everything to rest. It's understandable that you miss her and can't stand to be without her; that's fine because I see nothing wrong with that. Finding someone you love is difficult. Still being in love with this person after all these years is almost unimaginable. Love like this is hard to come by. Personally since you're in speaking terms with each other, appreciate each others company instead of wondering if you could have been her significant other. Both of you are in different places but at least she still seems to have your back and listens when you need it. Get past the fact that they're romantic feelings. You can love her; just differently than a spouse. You can love really good friends right? (I hope...)
Something drastic has changed. I am no longer with "&". We were going out for a long time and it just didn't work out at the end. My relationship with "&" was very serious, but I just couldn't see myself with her anymore. It had nothing to do with "@" but more of just how we just couldn't connect at the core level which was crucial for our relationship. We've been going out for so long, there needed to be an ultimatum. It was either we get married soon or we break up. I couldn't see her as my wife; not at all. We parted ways and now, I'm starting to get closer to "@" again. We would talk on the phone for hours and hours. We hung out a couple of times with friends and by ourselves. We both aren't ready for a relationship yet. She got out of a relationship a couple months before I did, and she's still hurting from it. I want to give myself a grace period out of respect for "&". But now I am all over the place again with "@" just like how it was when we first met. I don't want to drag it on and not doing anything about it like I did before. I think this time I'm going to pull the trigger when the timing is right. We both connect on so many different levels in terms of personality. I have a much better idea of what I want now, or maybe I always did and was stupid about it. The only thing is, I have EVERYTHING to loose. They say, the best of friends can pick up where they left off even if they don't talk to each other in years. This is exactly what it feels like. But she is so important to me, just her presence and the thought of her is so important to me. She's clouding all my thoughts and keeping me up at night. I have a HUGE career change happening right now that I am OVER EXCITED about, but she's still priority number 1 in my head. I absolutely CANNOT loose her. If I go after her, I'm afraid it'll drive her away. God give me a sign...even just a little bit.
every relationship has two outcomes... get married or break up... the big question is .... if you don't see & as your wife can you see @ filling that role? maybe?
well..i kinda have the feeling that you have been waiting for this for yearssss...so why not just ask her how she feels about you?...i mean like you said..you are having a HUGE career change...and life is too short to be clinging onto something/someone that will never happen...so it's either do it now or just forever move on...cause you aint getting any younger
