Management has renamed its Waterfall process to Agile Waterfall You start hiring consultants so they can take the blame The Continuous Integration server has returned the error message “Screw it, I give up” You have implemented your own Ruby framework that uses XML configuration files Your eldest team member references Martin Fowler as a ’snot-nosed punk’ Your source code control system is a series of folders on a shared drive Allocated QA time is for Q and A why your crap is broken All of your requirements are written on a used cocktail napkin You start considering a new job so you don’t have to maintain the application you are building The lead web developer thinks the X in XHTML means ‘extreme’ Ever iteration meeting starts with “Do you want the good news or the bad news…” Your team still gives a crap about its CMM Level Progress is now measured by the number of fixed bugs and not completed features Continuous Integration is getting new employees to read the employee handbook You are friends with the janitor The SCRUM master doesn’t really care what you did yesterday or what you will do today Every milestone ends in a dead sprint Your best developer only has his A+ Certification You do not understand the acronyms DRY, YAGNI, or KISS; but you do understand WTF, PHB, and FUBAR Your manager could be replaced by an email redirection batch file The only certification your software process has is ISO 9001/2000 Your manager thinks ‘Metrics’ is a type of protein drink Every bug is prioritized as Critical Every feature is prioritized as Trivial Project estimates magically match the budget Developers use the excuse of ’self documenting code’ for no comments Your favorite software pattern is God Object You still believe compiling is a form of testing Developers still use Notepad as an IDE Your manager wastes 7 hours a week asking for progress reports (true story) You do not have your own machine and you are not doing pair programming Team Rule – No meetings until 10 AM since we were all here until 2 AM Your team believes ORM is a ‘fad’ Your team believes the transition from VB6 to VB.NET will be ’seamless’ Your manager thinks MS Project is the best management tool the market offers Your spouse only gets to see you on a webcam None of your unit tests have asserts in them FrontPage is your web page editor of choice You get into flame wars if { should be on new line, but you are impartial to patterns such as MVC The company motto is ‘Do more with less’ The phrase ‘It works on my machine’ is heard more than once a day The last conference your .NET team attended was Apple WWDC 2000 Your manager insists that you track all activity but never uses the information to make decisions All debugging occurs on the live server Your manager does not know how to check email Your manager thinks being SOX compliant means not working on baseball nights The company hires Senetor Ted Stevens to give your project kick-off inspiration speech The last book you read – Visual InterDev 6 Bible The overall budget is mistaken for your weekly Mountain Dew bill Your manager spends his lunch hour crying in his car (another true story) Your lead web developer defines AJAX as a cleaning product Your boss expects you to spend the next 2 days creating a purchase request for a $50 component The sales team decreased your estimates because they believe you can work faster Requirement – Rank #1 on Google Everyday you work until Midnight, everyday your boss leaves at 4:30 Your manager loves to say “Why do the developers care? They get paid by the hour.” The night shift at Starbucks knows you by name Management can not understand why anyone needs more than a single monitor Your development team only uses source control as a power failure backup system Developers are not responsible for any testing The team does not use SVN because they believe the merge algorithms are black voodoo magic Your white boards are mostly white (VersionOne) The client continually mistakes your burn-down chart for a burn-up chart The project code name is renamed to ‘The Death March’ Now it physically pains you to say the word – Yes Your teammates don’t refactor, they refuctor To reward you for all of your overtime your boss purchases a new coffee maker Your project budget is entered in the company ledger as ‘Corporate Overhead’ You secretly outsource pieces of the project so you can blog at work A Change Control Board is created and your product isn’t even its first alpha version Daily you consider breaking your fingers for the short term disability check The deadline has been renamed a ‘milestone’…just like the last ‘milestone’ Your project managers ‘open door’ policy only applies between 5:01 PM – 7:59 AM Your boss argues “Why buy it when we can built it!” You bring beer to the office during your 2nd shift The project manager is spotted consulting a Ouija board You give misinformation to your teammates so you look better on your personal review All code reviews are scheduled a week before product launch Budget for testing exists as “if we have time” The client will only talk about the requirements after they receive a fixed estimation The boss does not find the humor in Dilbert You start noticing your boss’s poker tells during planning poker You start wondering if working 2 shifts at Pizza Hut is a better career alternative All performance issues are resolved by getting larger machines The project has been demoted to being released as a permanent ‘Beta’ version Your car is towed from the office parking lot as it was thought to be abandoned The project manager likes to doodle during requirements gathering meetings You are using MOSS 2007 Your SCRUM team consists of 1 Your timesheet looks like a Powerball ticket The web developer thinks being 508 means looking good in her Levi Red Tabs You think you need Multiple Personality Disorder medication because you are Mort, Elvis, and Einstein Your manager substitutes professional consultant advice for a Magic 8 Ball You know exactly how many compile warnings cause an ‘Out of Memory’ exception in your IDE I have used IDE twice in this list and you still don’t know what it stands for You have cut and pasted code from The Daily WTF Broken unit tests are deleted because they are obviously out of date You are sent to a conference to learn, but you skip sessions to go hunting for swag QA has nicknamed you Chief Off-By-One You have been 90% complete 90% of the time “Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too… thanks”
