As told by a broken-hearted girl forever logged into the "friend zone"..... We emailed everyday, constantly, for months. Our emails were so long and filled with so much information, revelations, stories, and whatever else we wanted to throw in. He sent me the journal he wrote during and after his bad break-up with his girlfriend (which was 5 months before we met). She was his first... everything. They met through friends, started hanging out, and before long, they found themselves lying under a full moon and we know what that damned first kiss can do and what it can lead to. He fell hard for her. He spent every waking moment with her. He spent every sleeping moment in his dreams with her. Even 'til now, when he talks about her, I can sense how much he still wants and needs her back. I don't know what she did to him, but all I can say is he fell where he should've been more careful. He told me about the night she slept over. He was sleeping (pretending) as she watched him. Then, he heard her whisper, "I love you." He didn't do anything, but went along with his pretend sleep. Yet, inside, he was jumping with joy and consumed with happiness. He divulged to me, "I wanted to just take her in my arms and show her how much I love her; not just tell her." Isn't that sweet? I was melting reading what he had to say. Anyways, they knew each other for about a year, but dated only half that time. She broke it off. He has never really told me why. All he revealed was she immediately started dating some guy he was close friends with and he got pissed off. In retaliation, he spread some really bad rumors about her, which lead to her hating him. She refused to have anything to do with him, let alone look at him (even now when and if they run into each other). That was very childish of him to do that to her. Well, everyone has their reasons. I know I would be hurt and angry too if the person who just dumped me before the weekend was officially over is dating someone new by Monday. We talked a lot about her and him. We talked a lot about everything. I mean, I thought I wrote a lot in all my years of schooling, but I've never written so much in less than a year's time. At first, I had no inclinations of even becoming friends with him. I looked at him as some guy I can relate to every now and then online... another person to add to my email list. He's younger, has less life experiences, and he can be so stubborn. Sometimes, getting things through his head is too tiresome because he's so set in his ways, he just doesn't want to hear it any other way. Aren't most guys like that anyways? He linked me to a pic he posted a long time ago online. My first reaction... he's boyishly cute. He's just cute. He's not hot like all these other guys floating around my tangible world, but unlike all these hot guys, he's got a great personality, an insightful look on things, funny, considerate, and he's complicated. I like complications. He's a challenge to me... in more ways than just one. In fact, I think I've become a better person because of him. We say we would and could never change for another person, but we can't help it. Everyone changes, a little or a lot, over time or overnight; we all change for one reason or another. We just don't like admitting it because it shows we don't have the stable control we thought we possessed. The moment I realized my friendly feelings crossed over to "more than friendly" was about 4 months into our online companionship. He sent me this distraught, depressing email one night. I read it before I went to work, but when I got there, I couldn't do anything. I was so bothered with what he said. I was worried even though I knew he's been through a few dark moments before and things have turned out with nothing to fear. Yet, I needed to talk to him; to know so my mind could settle. I went over to my niece's place to catch him on MSN. Since it was morning my time and night his time, I knew he'd be on. When I logged on, as soon as he saw me, he popped up. He asked what time it was on my side of the world. I told him 9 AM. Then he asked, "Shouldn't you be at work?" I replied, "I called in." He questioned, "Why?" So... all in caps, I typed, "BECAUSE OF YOU!" I went on to tell him I read his depressing email and couldn't think straight. I needed to see how he was doing and what's really up with him. He didn't know what to say. He told me to wait and came back about 5 minutes later. He sent me a picture of the full moon outside his window. When I asked him what did he mean by that photo, he answered, "The last time a girl showed her true feelings about me, there was a full moon in the sky. Full moons mean there's a change in someone; in their nature." He knew me better than I knew myself. At first, I chucked it up as superstition. We talked for nearly 3 hours until he told me he was sleepy, got an early day ahead of him, and needed to go to sleep. It was really difficult to let him go even though he felt so much better after out chat. We both did. I didn't know I was doing this to him, but each time he got into bed, I'd send him another IM. After 5 or 6 times, he wrote back, "Woman, I'm getting sweaty and worn out running from my bed back to my comp to answer you. It's 3 in the morning. Can I sleep now?" Regrettably, I let him. I felt really good that day. I decided to indulge myself on a nice, fattening piece of cheesecake. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to beat behind the bushes about how I feel, especially, if the something or someone I'm feeling is worth it (in my personal opinion). A few weeks after that "full moon" MSN session, I told him I'm liking him more than I should. We already discussed that we should remain only as friends. It had more to do with just our age, distance, life situations, life experiences, and personal beliefs. We were just simply better off as friends. I tried my best to keep my feelings in. He said that if I couldn't and he knows what he can't offer will eventually hurt me in the long run, he'd disconnect from me (even if it hurts both of us). We talked about it on and off, joked openly and candidly about it, and gotten all serious and think it might possibly work... only to bring it back to: It's going to change and probably ruin everything we've built together. The first time my heart broke a little was in early November of last year. Weeks before, he told me how he couldn't see himself liking anyone or being romantically linked, online or offline, with someone. Then, shortly after saying all that to me, he told me one day in an email, "I have to be honest with you. I've been talking to this girl. She's wonderful. We have so much in common and I think I'm falling for her." For a couple weeks, he wasn't emailing much, but I didn't mind. I was busy with life and so was he. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? He also confessed, "I think she's the one who's going to get me through and over this crap about my ex. We talk on the phone every night. I text her when I'm at work and she does the same to me. I really like her. She makes me happy. What do you think?" I was so hurt. I felt that all this time, all these months, all my efforts in writing, being here and there (in spirit) for him, and everything I did to cheer him up was all done in vain. Nothing mattered. I was mad, confused, and in shattered pieces. I didn't write him back. I didn't want to. I was afraid of what I would end up saying. Even after he hurt me, I didn't want to return the favor. Then again, it ate at me like acid. I broke and wrote back. I went all out. He wanted to know what I thought. I let him have it. I told him every misery I felt; every betrayal I felt from his not being considerate enough to even not tell me those things of not wanting a relationship with anyone. If he wanted a relationship with this girl, he would've just spared me that crap and let it be. If he never said those things to me, I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. It was like a slap in the face. He wrote back, worried and surprised. I didn't bother to reply. Almost a week went by. He sent me 2 more emails. I still didn't write back. A couple days passed. He wrote again. This time, a short one saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wanted to let you know my trip with the boys is here. I'm leaving tomorrow. I hope I hear from you before I leave. I miss you. Please get to me before I leave. I want to leave with kind words only you can give me. I miss our last-minute goodbyes we've been telling one another during these past few trips we've been on. Don't keep me waiting." After reading that, I couldn't resist. Yes... I am a sucka. I replied, "I'm fine. I hope you have a wonderful time with the guys. Be safe." That was all. He was gone for a little over a week. I guess he was expecting I wrote him during his vacation, but I didn't. It took a lot of will power to not email him. However, I did keep a journal for him. I got into the habit of doing that because there was a time in our relationship, he asked for a couple weeks to study for exams. I granted him the 3 weeks he requested, but kept him up-to-date with all the happenings in my side of the world. Anyways, when he got back, he wrote me and asked where and how I've been. I let him sweat a little more before writing him. I apologized for my immature behavior on hearing about his feelings for the other girl. I mean, he's heard so much about the guys who came and went through my life for months. He's been supportive and understanding. Then again, he never professed any inklings of romantic "like" for me such as I did for him. So, in some ways, I was justified in my reactions and actions. I attached the journal and in a few hours, he wrote and told me he read everything, enjoyed it, and gave me feedback. Once again, we were fine and dandy. In late December, I went to visit family out-of-state. We wrote almost daily. It was like old times again; like when we first met. One night, he sent me an email that gave life to the hope I still secretly carried... hope for an "us". He was on vacation with his family too. I had said some things to him in a previous email, or as he called it, "tickling him". He wrote back, "You better stop tickling me that way. I might just bite back the way you want me to. Things could get to where we both... yeah, you know where. You'll get what you want... eventually." I was estatic. Excited. Happy. That was the first time he had ever said anything like that. I thought, "He has finally realized it. I'm the one. I've been there for him. I didn't let down. Yeah!" I was so joyful. I heard angels sing. That was how pleasingly grand I felt. I returned home from my trip in early January to find a new developing situation. There was this guy who wanted to get with me. At first, it was because my cousin put him up to it. One night while we were at a club, the friend found a confession I wrote to my online friend. It had slipped out of my purse onto the floor. He took my cousin to the bathroom and showed it to him. After reading it, my cousin felt I was getting to attached and it wasn't healthy and good for me. He felt he had to do something to get my head back in the real world. I wonder have I changed all that much and is it that noticable. At first, I was a "favor", but the more my cousin's friend and I hung out, his favor to my cousin became a personal quest for himself. Even though my cousin wasn't too cool with it, he saw that I was somewhat distracted when I was with his friend. I think my cousin was lying to himself. To make a long story short, one night, long after the friend already knew how I felt about him (which was mutual), he tried to kiss me. I was upset, so I emailed my online friend because he always found some way to make some sense out of these things. If not, I just wanted him to be proud of me that I wasn't some easy twit who would allow some guy to just kiss her because he spent time at her place watching a movie. The reply I got back completely broke my heart (what little I had left). It tore me up... really bad. It was basically a "it's not you, it's me" letter. He didn't even say "Hi" (like he usually does), but jumped right into his weekend at some wedding he attended. Right before he ended the letter, he disclosed, "I feel that I'm not healthy for you. I feel as though I'm affecting your real life. Just think, if you and I never met, you'd be dating one of those guys in your life. What you and I have online isn't real... it's just a fantasy... or something. I think we should stop talking. Yeah. Can't do this anymore." That was it. He didn't even bother to sign his name. It was if we weren't important enough to be included in the end credits. My heart dropped so far down, I saw it lying in a crumpled, sorrowful mess at my feet. I was so angry. I disconnected my comp from the net (for over a week). I didn't even go online at work. It was as if looking at the computer screen reminded me of the void he left behind with his harsh, hurtful words. That night, I found myself at one of my best friend's house (she lives alone, so I opted to see her instead). At 4 in the morning, in the dead of a cold winter night, in nothing more than my pajamas, coat, and slippers, I went to find solace. When she opened the door, I was in a terrible, crippled mess of emotions. I cried and ranted for nearly 3 hours about my anger and confusion. I didn't understand why he could do this to me. Then, I came to a conclusion. I've been through worse. I can handle this. I know I can. He's right. It's just a fantasy... a figment of my imagination. If he didn't want it anymore, I can give him that too. I started writing all my emotions into a new journal for this year. It was my way of dealing with it. It was my way of talking to him even though he wouldn't know what I said. It was therapeutic. A week went by and I dicided I needed to get out of my dark, deep, depressing dimension. I reconnected to the outside world, both online and in my real world. When I logged on to check my email, I saw he sent me something. It was an apology and a peace offering (pictures from his trips he owed me since I sent him mine). He wanted to make amends. Once again, he was sorry for hurting me. Once again, he was saying he's sorry. Once again, I found myself finding it hard to live without him... without my online friend. I turned into a sucka and wrote him back. I sent him my mournful one-week journal for two reasons... (1) to show him how much he really hurt me this time around and (2) that life with or without him will happen. Oh... and (3) to make him feel terribly awful about what he did. It worked. Well, that's how we got here. I don't know where things are going to lead for us. All I know is that we've both gotten to know one another better... more than we could've ever expected in our wildest imaginations and dreams. I can't explain why I fell in love with him, but for the first time in my life, there's a man that makes me want to love deeply and without restraints. I can't tell him that because he's still confined to the ghost of his past. Until he allows her to let him go, then it won't just be fair for me or him... but for us. IF that will be the case... eventually. If that day comes and he finds himself in love with someone else or I find myself over him, then that shall be our fate. I'd rather have a life in which he's my friend rather than to have a life without him at all. Thank you for reading.
wow that is one crazy story...i dont know what to say. Its sounds like a really complicated relationship. How old r u 2? Why dont u guys meet up?
sounds like they are both 18+ and they are half way around the world apart... like she in the states and him in asia/europe... All I can say is that I've been there... usually long distant relationships don't work out right...
wow.. that was such a touching story.. yu should be proud of yurself man! there will be another guy for yu comin soon.. i noe it!~!!
It's a very nice story. This is the reason why words are very strong...especially on the net unlike in the "real world". Be a good friend. Focus on the adjective and the noun. Look at the big picture and sometimes your heart may be lying to you. I request a third view from someone else. Good luck and.. well....there's no such thing as fate.
