Australia's Quantas Airlines is the only major world carrier never to have suffered a fatal flight accident in all its years of operation. One reason may be its employees sense of humour. After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, then put in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual gripe sheets and responses (P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution and action taken by the engineers): P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume reset to a more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem in ground. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
