Friend

I recently logged into my FB account and caught up with old friends. I chatted with a friend whom I met back in high school. She's white and really liked me then; however, I turned her down simply cuz I didn't believe in interracial dating.

She asked me out again in college but I turned her down again with the same reason. She tried hard (majored in East Asian Studies, finished her Oriental Medicine training, and learned Chinese since Vietnamese language was not available in college)

A few years ago, she told me she's married to a Vietnamese guy. I sent her my blessing.

Yesterday when we chatted, she told me her "so called marriage" is actually a domestic relationship; no official cert. The Vietnamese guy is 15 years older than her and is divorced with 3 kids and 2 grandchildren. I was shocked.

She's a 33 years old, average looking gal who graduated from top 1% tier college in the world (yuh, in the WORLD) yet ended up with a guy like that. Come on, she certainly deserves better.

Age is just a number when it comes to LOVE but come on, 15 years apart is a bit too much. I totally scolded her. She just stopped chatting right then.

Did I go overboard? We have been friends for so long, I wanted to be honest with her. She obviously getting nothing from this relationship; better to end it and move on with her life; perhaps something better will come her way. Anyway, I wonder if I should apologize. Even though it's not my business, the fact that we are good friends, I don't want to see her hurt. Any suggestions ... how do I convince her 15 yrs is too much?

 

How would you like it if someone said your wife's too fat or ugly and you shouldn't be with her? esp someone you havn't spoken to for ages. Some things are better left unsaid unless there was an elephant in the room type scenario.

 

I just got an update msg from FB and it was from her. She fell asleep thus didn't reply. We were chatting like at 3:30 AM so yeah .. probably sleepy.

I didn't log back into FB to respond anymore. To clarify, even though I didn't log into my FB acct for about a year, I occasionally exchanged email with her. Of course, it was more of her sending me stuffs than my replies. Regardless, we do communicate.

The age difference follow by a lot of unsure responses from her.

For example:

1 - Wow, that's huge age gap. (My rxn/quest)
"age is just a number, we love each other, I think"

2 - What do you love about him?
"he's caring, I think."

3 - You're a grandma already, seriously, is this the life you imagined?
"He loves me and that's all it mattered, I think."

"I think" was repeated over and over again throughout our conversation when she was talking about him. Personally, I never met this guy so I didn't want to judge. What I said was that the age gap is a problem and the baggages.

Anyway, when I "thought" she was offended by my scolding responses. (found out today not the case) I ended it by telling her that if that's her decision, I'll respect it but I won't give her my blessing. I don't think the relationship will last.

I hate to jeopardize our friendship anymore by continuing with my scolding.

Talked to my wife and she doesn't want to get involved. Told me to butt out and let her be. I know but as a friend, kinda feel sad for her. She has many suitors "whites" but I don't understand why she turned them down. Asian men obsession???

 

tbh ur a turd for saying that u guys are only facebook friends now lol and she is 33, she a woman. If everyone going to a top tier college can get prince charming then life would be perfect.

 

You're probably subconsciously upset about the interracial thing and trying to ruin it for her.

 

So age is a big factor in marriage? Anyway for guys 15yrs or 20yrs old than the girls is acceptable. As long she not 15years old than the guys. So i dont see any problem.

Maybe he treat her very well.

 

Sexist much? Nothing wrong with that either unless the marriage is just for money which applies to both genders.

 

wow ur quite a jerk.... judging a girl for being with a man who's older... whyd u scold her? r u her dad? im pretty sure thats she's smart enough to know what shes doing and that bitching on her wont help her or ur "friendship"

id totally tell u to go fuck urself... but thats just me

 

Negiq you're quite the phenomenon lol.

You turn down the girl because you didn't believe in interracial dating. Okay I get that.

You don't talk to her for a while, and then you find out she's married to an older guy. And then you scold her. You're a self-righteous bastard you know that? Who the hell do you think you are for yelling at someone who you have no business meddling with your petty values and principles bullshit? Particularly from someone who rejected her advances. Once you reject the poor girl, that should have been that. But no, you decided to fucking scold her. And the fact that you're "shocked", are you her mother?

If you're going to reply to my post, I'm expecting that you're going to start flaming me and try and insult me. But get this, whatever you say in this thread will be taken with a grain of salt. What you did, your overall attitude in all of your posts, and your self-righteousness is disgusting and repulsive.

You make Viet people look like asshats.

 

Well, even though I turned her down, I certainly hope that she'll have a good life too. I left out the fact that this guy is unemployed (>5 yrs) and currently living off her. I mentioned domestic partnership because this guy "claimed" to be divorced yet paperwork is still not done .. two years???? So technically speaking, she was with him before his divorce. Followed with all the "I think" responses prompted me to scold her. Perhaps I am out of line but even for a regular friends, I would do the same. Of course, it's up to her to make the final decision with her life. I just want her to know that she has a lot going and doesn't need to settle for anything less.

Honestly, I don't think I have done anything wrong. I care because she's a good friend. If my scolding ruined our friendship, then perhaps we shouldn't be friend at all. Trust is the utmost important thing in any relationship and she knows me well that I speak my mind. Hurtful or not, I only have good intention. Again, I am only trying to help. I still think the age is a bit much .

 

I love how you're all self-righteous and shit. Yea, it's never you is it? It's always other people, everyone else is wrong except for you.

If she marries a table, who are you to give a fuck? If my best friend yelled at me for something so menial and stupid, I'd punch him in the face and tell him to fuck off, as I assume everyone else in this thread would do as well. Who gives a fuck what people do? You rationalize your actions with your "you care, you have good intentions" bullshit. Have you ever stopped to think "Hey, my good intentions might not be in line with what my friends consider 'good' intentions".

And in every thread you post about "you helping your friends", you always include somewhere the following sentence: "... then perhaps we shouldn't be friends at all". It's quite a shame you don't realize that your egotistic attitude is the sole thing that deters people away. Who really wants to be friends with an I-am-always-right-you-are-wrong-and-we-shouldn't-be-friends-if-you-disagree person? I know I don't, and I know everyone else in here doesn't.

You know, let me give you a piece of advice. If you take that self-entitled, self-righteous rod out of your ass, you'll live a happier life. And you'll be able to keep more friends. I'd sure like to talk to your wife to find out if you were always this egotistic, and what she sees in you.

 

*buys popcorn, sits back, and enjoys the show*

 

Hit the nail on the head.... with a sledgehammer.

We are all entitled to make our own decisions. By the same, we are also all entitled to make our own mistakes, learn from them and grow from them.

This woman made a conscious decision to live the life she lives. Who are you to judge her for those decisions?

Unless she is expressly coming to you for help because she is in some sort of dire situation, your commentary about her life is of absolutely no benefit to her. Instead of generating negativity and doubt, listen and learn then strive to be a positive element of her life.

Everyone in this thread can identify that you are projecting your own ego onto this woman and what benefit does it serve other than to massage your own feeling of confidence that your life is better than hers...

 

Friendships are also about respect: respect one another choices without judging and about supporting each other even though u dont always agree because if ur a true friend, u will give ur friend room to do what they want and what they think is right for themselves. Just cuz u have ur opinion about somethin doesnt need it should be forced upon her by u. Its her choice. If she doesnt care abt the age, divorce and unemployment thing then what u going on abt?? so stop being a dick abt out it.