*I'll Try To Update 1 everyday A Nurse walks into a bank A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...... just great.....Someone's got my pen."
Last week, I ran to walmart to get a few things, shaving cream deoderant etc. I was standing in line waiting to pay, and noticed the old lady infront of me keep turning around, staring at me for a couple seonds then turns back around. This went on a few times, when finally her husband came back to me and says, Im sorry sir, but my wife says u look just like her grandson, but he died 5 years ago. I felt bad, and said im very sorry. The old man replies and says, she was wondering if you would be so kind as to, when shes walking away she would say good bye grandson, an you say, Good bye grandma, just to make her feel better.? I felt very bad now, so i said alright no problem. So as the lady walked away she said goodbye grandson, and i did reply, goodbye grandma. so that was that. the cashier rung my stuff up... $75.33. WHAT THE FUCK!!! i said, for just these few things???? the cashier says, well your grandma said you are going to pay for her things as well.
*might be disturbing A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
On Wednesday of next week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again. You may now return to your normal (?!) life.
Little Billy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Billy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Billy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Billy, of course, thought he did. Billy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Billy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Billy Billy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Billy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Billy Billy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Billy Billy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter. LETTER 4: Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Billy Billy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Billy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Billy's mother thought her plan had worked because Billy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Billy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Billy began to write his letter to God.! LETTER 5: I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
*luv this joke* " Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline had read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
Air disaster... US's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Alabama. Redneck search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
here's a joke put either ur left or right hand on ur head (Yes i mean it, do it !!!) then say "Is my" then spell B-O-O-K
Poor Guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
